You Win Some, You Lose Some
by Lirillith
Summary: Barnaby visits Kotetsu in the hospital after the final confrontation.  Kotetsu/Barnaby, set during the final episode timeskip.
1. You Win Some, You Lose Some

When Barnaby returned to the hospital room, he could see immediately that Kotetsu hadn't been lonely while he was away. A small Christmas tree decorated with plastic icicles and topped with a blue silk rose had joined his own pot of poinsettias on the table by the bed. Kotetsu had a Santa hat on his head, and as Barnaby settled into the chair, he noticed a sprig of mistletoe taped to the headboard.

Kotetsu had seemed to be asleep, but he opened his eyes as Barnaby settled into the chair. "Hey, Bunny."

"Fresh painkillers?"

"How could you tell?" The older man laughed. "I'm feeling a lot better."

"Where's Kaede?"

"She just left. Went down to get some dinner. I made her promise to go to the cafeteria and not just get something from a vending machine. I dunno what to do about her for the next couple of nights, though. She doesn't want to go back home."

"Can you blame her?"

"Guess not."

"Whose idea was that?" Barnaby asked, nodding in the direction of the mistletoe.

Kotetsu must have missed the gesture. "The hat was Fire Emblem. Tree was Blue Rose, of course. The mistletoe was Antonio's idea of a joke."

"Has it worked?"

"I think Fire Emblem would have slipped me some tongue if Kaede hadn't been in the room. Blue Rose kissed me on the forehead, then ran off without saying anything. Then she came back because she took the tree with her. A couple of the nurses have blown me kisses. And Kaede kissed me on the cheek. So... win some, lose some, I guess."

Barnaby smiled slightly, but Kotetsu clearly wasn't too fogged with painkillers to notice his preoccupation. "What's wrong?"

"You're going back home with Kaede once you're discharged from the hospital, aren't you?"

"Yeah." While Barnaby was still deciding what to say next, Kotetsu spoke again. "Want to come with us?"

"What?"

"Okay, I probably can't offer that without checking with my mom first. It's her house. But, you know, Kaede would be thrilled. And it might do you good. Kind of a change in scenery. You've lived in Stern Bild all your life, haven't you?"

Barnaby nodded, thoughtfully. "I really couldn't impose. Not long-term. Once you're settled, I might come for a visit..."

"I understand." Barnaby looked from Kotetsu's battered face to his own clasped hands. He couldn't think of any reason for Kotetsu to stay in the city. He had his daughter, and she had her home, and school... relocating her to Stern Bild wouldn't work. He couldn't visualize himself living in Kotetsu's house, with his family. He watched Kotetsu's hand reach out and cover his. "Hey, cheer up," Kotetsu said.

"I thought you were dead," Barnaby said. Even in his own ears, he sounded choked up.

"I know. But I'm not! That's good, right?"

"I thought your last words were going to be about my eyelashes."

Kotetsu laughed, sounding embarrassed. "I actually said that, huh?"

"You did." Barnaby had come out to Kotetsu months ago. _I prefer to keep my personal life private,_ he'd explained, _but you're my partner and I wanted you to know._ But he knew about Kotetsu's late wife. There didn't seem to be much point to telling Kotetsu the rest of it. And then, every once in a while, Kotetsu would pull something like this - he'd jokingly refer to some joint appearance as a date, or insist on picking up the tab, or talk about making memories together. All while keeping enough of a distance that Barnaby was never fully sure he'd even earned his trust.

"Well... it's true," Kotetsu said. "Not very cool last words, though. I guess I had the right idea but the wrong line."

"Huh?"

"Bad time to tell you, I guess, but waiting for the right time never seems to work. On anything."

Barnaby pushed his glasses up his nose. If he weren't so crazy about his partner it would be very tempting to smother him with a pillow. "Please just spit it out, Kotetsu."

"I've had a crush on you for the longest time." Barnaby froze, hand still in front of his face. "I dunno, maybe it should be 'I'm in love with you'? I mean, it's not like I don't know you or anything," Kotetsu continued. "I know it's a bad time, with me planning to move and you not wanting to..."

"How long?" Barnaby managed. Even to his own ears, his voice sounded slightly strangled.

"I dunno when it started. Around the time we fought Jake? Maybe later. Hmm. Maybe earlier?"

Barnaby began, with the ease of long practice, to tune out Kotetsu's continued mutterings as he glanced over his shoulder at the door, and then, very aware of his own hearbeat, leaned over and kissed him. Kotetsu's lips were warm, if slightly chapped, and his mouth was soft as he kissed back. Barnaby felt Kotetsu's hand brush his face as he pulled away, and when he opened his eyes, Kotetsu was smiling broadly. "I knew you'd try to shut me up," Kotetsu said.

"You're under the mistletoe. What else am I supposed to do?"

"I gotta thank Antonio. But then he'd want to know why. This could be complicated."

Barnaby abruptly felt like crying again. Instead, he flung his arms around his partner. He was alive, he was breathing, and there was no suit of armor between them this time. He felt Kotetsu's arms around him, and he closed his eyes and buried his face in Kotetsu's neck. "Don't worry, Bunny," Kotetsu was saying. "I'll visit. You'll visit. We have phones. Kaede wants to visit Starland. And maybe you'll change your mind about staying with us."

"I know."

He felt Kotetsu sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm in no shape to talk about our future."

"When you're discharged, you can come to my place for that fried rice I promised you. We can talk then." Barnaby released him, sitting back in the chair. He adjusted the collar of his jacket, removed his glasses and cleaned them. He took his time on the glasses, because he couldn't think of anything else to fidget with.

"Sounds like a plan." Kotetsu was watching him, smiling but obviously concerned. It was just as well their suits had had masks, Barnaby thought. Kotetsu's face was such an open book. Then, as if to prove the point, his face lit up with a smile. "Kaede-chan!"

Barnaby froze in horror for a moment, wondering how long she'd been there, but as she approached with her two bottles of soda, she didn't look like she'd just caught a hero she admired kissing her father. She looked more like a deer caught in the headlights, really. "I'm sorry I didn't bring you a soda, Barnaby!" she finally blurted. "I can go get one!"

"It's all right," he said, smiling, wondering if it was possible to put her at ease when he couldn't be farther from ease, himself. "I don't need anything."

"No, it's really okay!" she insisted.

He glanced at Kotetsu, who shrugged, grinning. Kaede needed a reason to flee the room, Barnaby realized. She hadn't been expecting to see him here. "A bottle of water?" he suggested.

"Okay!" She dashed out the door.

"Bunny," Kotetsu said, and Barnaby looked back at him. Kotetsu grabbed his hand again. "Everything's going to be okay," Kotetsu said. Barnaby could have argued; he had so many reasons to argue. It wasn't just about things between the two of them. That was the least of it, really, even if it was a very important small piece of the puzzle. Instead, he just squeezed his hand.


	2. Better Late Than Never

Barnaby had been able to keep busy for the past two days, ferrying various Kaburagis between the hospital, the bus station, and a hotel. Kotetsu's mother and his older brother had come to town to retrieve Kaede and check on Kotetsu, and Barnaby was relieved about their presence for several reasons. For one, Kotetsu could stop worrying about where Kaede would stay, how to get her back home, and the rest. For another, Barnaby knew exactly how to behave as he took on the responsibility of taking them where they needed to go, answering their questions, talking to them about Kotetsu. It could have been awkward, talking to the man's family so soon after the changes their relationship had gone through, but he just slipped into the role he always played for fans and interviewers. Possibly the last time he ever would. No, that might not be strictly true - he might have to give a final press conference, depending on Apollon's willingness to manage his exit - but close enough.

At night, he'd go back to his apartment and fall into bed, and the past two days he'd been tired enough to sleep. But now he'd seen Kotetsu's family off at the station, and he was alone in his car. He turned the key in the ignition, and then he just sat there, his mind a blank. Where had he intended to go after this? He couldn't remember. His appointment at Apollon, to formally tender his resignation, wasn't for another few hours. Kotetsu wasn't due to be discharged until the next day. Where was he going to go, and what was he going to do? Once he'd broken ties with Apollon, and Kotetsu had gone back to live with his family, what was he going to do?

He didn't know how long he sat there before his phone rang. He glanced hopefully at the screen, but it wasn't Kotetsu. It was Rock Bison. He'd entered all the other heroes into his phone, but none had called him until now. Rock Bison was a friend of Kotetsu's, though. He felt his heart drop into his stomach as he answered.

"Hello?"

"Bunny! I wasn't sure if you'd be free yet."

_Oh thank God._ "Your family is on their way back home. Why are you using Rock Bison's phone?"

"Mine's still not working. Antonio's taking me back to my car."

"Are you sure you're okay to drive?"

"You worry too much! Mind if I drop in for dinner? I kind of packed up my whole kitchen."

Not that he'd cooked much to begin with. "Of course I don't mind. Come over whenever you want."

* * *

><p>By the time he arrived, Barnaby's retirement was official. As he poured a Legend Cola, Kotetsu explained about the fate of his phone, shut down by Maverick. "I figure I'll just buy a new one once I move back to Mom's place, with a local area code and everything."<p>

"So you're moving back in with your mother?"

"Yeah. Not totally thrilled about it, but Kaede's settled there." Kotetsu hesitated for a moment, then added, "I kinda want to ask you what's the last thing you remember, but I dunno if you want to talk about it or not. Because if you don't, I am completely happy talking about Kaede for a solid hour."

"You usually are," Barnaby agreed. "I think..." He closed his eyes for a moment, prodding his memory warily. "You mean before he separated us, right?"

"Right," Kotetsu said, then, abruptly, "Maybe it's better if you don't."

"Better now than while I'm in the middle of cooking."

"Don't push yourself too hard, Bunny."

"I remember when my memory turned on me, and you suggested we revisit that last day. And... we fought, didn't we?"

"You, um, kinda found out about me planning to retire. In the worst possible way."

"That might have been a good time to tell me about your powers."

"I can see that _now..._"

"When I was in Maverick's office, Aunt Samantha called." He closed his eyes, calling her face to mind. Maverick had murdered her, too, and he'd never had the chance to say goodbye to her. "She showed me a picture..." He stopped, feeling a hand on his. Kotetsu was leaning over him. His own hands, under Kotetsu's, were clenched together so tightly the knuckles were white. "She was the one with me that day. Not Maverick. That's why he killed her. He was trying to get rid of you and her at the same time, so he'd get rid of anyone who was close to me, and anyone who knew Jake wasn't the killer."

"Well, I may not have been there in his office... wait, I did find your pin there. So I know you went to his office, and what you and I did together checks out."

"My pin?"

"Those cool matching pins I got us!"

"Ah. Yes. The cool ones."

Kotetsu, to his surprise, grinned at him. "So you're feeling good enough to be sarcastic."

Barnaby managed a wan smile. "At least I have real memories for that day."

"I'm sorry about Ms. Samantha," Kotetsu said, serious again, fidgeting with his tea mug. "She seemed like a nice lady."

"She was. Even after my parents died and she didn't have any links to my family anymore, she kept in touch, baked me a cake every year for my birthday..." He felt tears starting in his eyes, and removed his glasses to swipe at them.

Kotetsu's voice was softer than Barnaby had ever heard it. "I'm... all you've got left."

"I didn't want to say it," he admitted. "It's not something that should change your plans. Kaede needs you, too."

"Maybe you shouldn't retire, Bunny. Keep something you're familiar with."

"No. Even if you weren't retiring..."

"That's right. Sorry."

"I have no idea who I'd be if it weren't for him. Would I have grown up to be a scientist like my parents?"

"You're still young," Kotetsu pointed out. "If you want to go back to school, this is your chance. Or travel! I remember that interview where you were saying you might travel if you had time off, but then you said you'd probably just train instead. Now you have no reason to train."

"Where would I go? I don't even know what my own preferences are. Everything about me has his influence."

"Go to Japan. That comes from me."

"...you realize I don't speak the language."

"Like you speak Italian, either?"

"I studied it in high school. I could pick it back up after a short refresher course."

"Okay, take me with you to Japan. I can read the train schedules. Mostly. And then when we come back, Kaede will hug me to get my powers, and then beat me up with them."

Barnaby smiled in spite of himself. "I'll go start the rice."

* * *

><p>He had to exile Kotetsu from the kitchen when he got fed up with the commentary - "I always stir it with chopsticks, but sure, I guess a wooden spoon works too." What else had Kotetsu used when he came over here? He heard the TV turn on in the next room, and some mutterings from Kotetsu, who seemed to be stymied by Barnaby's remote control settings. As he cooked, with Kotetsu's channel-surfing for accompaniment, he thought back to the hospital room. <em>We'll talk about it then,<em> he'd said, and Kotetsu had called it _our future._ For months - the better part of a year - he'd thought he was in unrequited love with his straight partner. He'd found it relatively easy to accept that. Kotetsu's friendship was too valuable to Barnaby for him to risk it by confessing feelings Kotetsu would never return. The idea that Kotetsu could, in fact, return those feelings... that was different. That was really kind of frightening, in the way unrequited feelings had never been.

Part of him wanted to wrap himself bodily around Kotetsu and never, ever let go. Another part wasn't entirely sure this had all been a good idea. He should never have kissed Kotetsu. He'd never been in a real relationship - or rather, he didn't remember being in any real relationships. He remembered a few casual dates, with both men and women. Were those real? Had he gone on any dates at all? Or had he fallen in love, and had the memory wiped from him by Maverick? He thought of himself as too focused on his goal to have interest in, or time for, a significant other. But now he wondered. Maybe Maverick had wanted to keep him exclusively focused on his mission as part of a plan to make him a star hero. Maybe some past boyfriend had started to influence him, and Mr. Maverick, having no use for a would-be painter or political activist or engineer, had wiped the relationship from his mind.

He couldn't drive himself crazy thinking about that. He'd never know. He tried to push the thoughts down. He was effectively completely inexperienced on this front. So here he was: wanting to cling to Kotetsu, scared of what a relationship would mean, and extremely horny. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like he might very well have avoided relationships willingly, without any outside interference. They seemed to be very distracting, and potentially a lot of trouble. Back when he had a mission, those would have been major drawbacks.

The rice was easy. He mounded it onto two plates, and brought them into the living room. He'd actually pulled the desk chair from his bedroom into the living room shortly after Kotetsu had called, and as he seated himself, Kotetsu needled him - "Some people have couches, you know." He noticed his partner had already turned off the TV.

"Couches they cover in empty bottles?"

"I've cleaned up since then! I wasn't expecting guests that time. Hey, this is really good."

"I'm glad," Barnaby said, trying it himself. It was fairly tasty. He couldn't quite understand Kotetsu's fixation, but then again, you could vary your ingredients. If you were going to learn to cook one thing, he supposed this was versatile.

"Yep, this is excellent. Thanks, Bunny, this hits the spot."

As they ate, and Kotetsu continued to praise the rice, Barnaby realized he had to do something. Perhaps it wasn't quite an elephant in the room, but it was something... maybe a large dog. Or a tiger. He was preoccupied with the topic, anyway, even if Kotetsu wasn't.

He lowered his spoon to his plate, his plate to his knees, cleared his throat, and made himself say, in a tone that sounded much more like the one he used for interviews than he'd expected, "It sounds like you reached the same conclusion I did about a relationship."

"...because of the rice?"

"Kotetsu..."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Kotetsu seemed a bit diffident, too. It must have been on his mind; he didn't seem at all surprised by the abrupt change in subject. "I was trying to think how to say it without making it sound like, I dunno, 'it's not you, it's me.'"

"Well, it _is_ me."

"I'm not touching that, " Kotetsu said with a half-smile. "I just meant... you've gone through a lot. You don't want to fight with me about squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle while you're dealing with that."

"Why would you squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle?"

"I just do! And I knew you wouldn't."

"What possible purpose..."

"Bunny. We can argue about it when we're actually sharing a bathroom." Kotetsu's tone changed. "I've been there. A serious relationship means some changes even if you both know exactly who you are. Living together means more. A lot more. If you moved out to Oriental Town with me... no matter what I said when I was drugged up, it'd probably be a bad idea. Especially moving in with my mom and Kaede at the same time."

"It's better for me to sort out my own identity, first," Barnaby agreed, trying not to sound sad. He'd kind of been hoping Kotetsu would sweep away all his doubts. Make the decision for him. He supposed he had, though.

"And then when you feel like you have that handled, you call me. First thing." Barnaby nodded. He wanted to say _I'm going to miss you,_ but the words stuck in his throat. "You can call me before that, too!" Kotetsu added. "Or visit. Both!"

"I know."

"You better. I don't want you out here with no support... You can talk to any of the other heroes too, you know. They were all worried about you when you went missing. They, uh, kind of blamed me for it." Barnaby nodded absently. He was friendly enough with all of their colleagues - rivals - but he couldn't envision confiding in anyone else. "Fire Emblem especially. Huh, maybe I don't want you spending too much time with him and his gropey hands... Anyway, I'll be out here at least in the spring. Kaede made me promise to take her to amusment parks over her spring break."

"Parks? How many are there?"

"Four," Kotetsu sighed. "She's too young to need to rest on her vacations. Hey, you ever been to any of the amusement parks here?"

"Not to my knowledge." He regretted the wording as soon as he spoke. He thought he saw Kotetsu wince, but he covered it well.

"Well, there you go. We'll have to fix that. Are you prone to motion sickness?"

"I'm not sure I like where this is going."

They ate their rice. They talked about plans for the next few months. Kotetsu kept glancing out the window and commenting admiringly on the view. But eventually, as the lights of the city began to turn on and the sky to darken, Kotetsu began to stir restlessly. "You need to get an early start tomorrow, don't you?" Barnaby finally asked, since Kotetsu seemed to be reluctant to say anything.

"Yeah, afraid so." Kotetsu stood, and stretched. "I'll call you when I reach my mom's place, okay?"

"All right," Barnaby agreed. He saw Kotetsu move toward him, and he wondered if he should stand, but instead he just closed his eyes as Kotetsu brushed a light kiss against his lips. "Night, Bunny," Kotetsu said, and Barnaby mumbled something in response. He thought about reaching out, grabbing Kotetsu, demanding a better good-bye kiss than that, but the door closed before he could even think of what he'd say. It was for the best. They'd see each other soon enough.

Someday, he vowed, he'd be clean-shaven when he and Kotetsu kissed.

* * *

><p>The next morning, he awakened to a ringing phone, and he'd answered it before he remembered that he was retired. "Bunny!" Kotetsu greeted him. "I forgot something."<p>

"You... forgot something." He rolled onto his back, rubbing his eyes with one hand.

"Yeah, I need to give you something. I'm dropping by your place, okay? See you in about ten minutes!"

That would give him time to shave, at least.

He was still pulling on his shirt when he heard Kotetsu knock. "I forgot to give you this," Kotetsu greeted him without preamble when he opened the door.

"What is it?" Barnaby asked. It looked about the size of a shoebox, and it was wrapped in paper with a Christmas-tree print.

"Your Christmas present!"

"I can see _that_" Barnaby began. "But-"

"It's supposed to be a surprise!" Kotetsu said, then his expression softened. "I know you have plenty of reasons not to like Christmas, and this isn't gonna change your mind. But I still want to give you something." Barnaby accepted the package gingerly. It was lightweight, but clearly held something with some mass. "Don't open it till the 25th, okay?"

Barnaby looked at the box, then at Kotetsu. "I didn't get you anything."

"Don't worry about it. Kaede said I'm cool! What else could I want for Christmas?"

Barnaby smiled ruefully. "I suppose so."

"So... that's what I forgot. I wanted to make sure you had your present. And, you know, say goodbye the right way." He reached out, and Barnaby moved into his arms, trying not to hit him with the box. He buried his face in Kotetsu's shoulder, inhaling his faint, citrusy scent.

"I'm glad you could see there was something lacking," Barnaby said, though it didn't come out sounding as acerbic as he'd intended. Maybe that was for the best.

"Give me a break, I'm rusty at this," Kotetsu retorted. Barnaby felt the arms around him tighten. "Are you gonna be okay?"

"I've lived alone since I moved out of the Academy dorms," he said.

"You know full well what I meant," Kotetsu chided, pulling back.

Barnaby sighed. "I don't know. I hope so. There's only one way to find out, isn't there?"

"Promise you'll call me if you're... I don't know, if you're lonely, or-"

"I promise I'll call you."

"Okay." Kotetsu seemed to hesitate, but his eyes were half-closed, and that was enough to let Barnaby close the distance. It was easier to kiss him this time than it had been the first time, and harder to stop, but Kotetsu pulled away, and they mumbled through further goodbyes, and Barnaby closed the door behind him. At least this time he was clean-shaven, he reflected, as he placed the box on the table by his laptop. He didn't try very hard to restrain himself from going over to the window to watch Kotetsu's car pull away.

He felt less foolish when Kotetsu looked up in the direction of his window and waved.


	3. Keep Your Chin Up

Barnaby holed up at home for the remainder of the day after Kotetsu's departure, and the next few days after that. He had rescheduled media appearances to cancel, business at Apollon to wrap up, and he wanted to do as much of it as possible remotely. He didn't want to meet waiting paparazzi yet, answer questions at the office, get the inevitable pitch from Lloyds or Agnes or both that he should stay.

He reluctantly left three interviews in January on the schedule - he did have fans who would want to know what had become of him - and he didn't intend to become a hermit permanently, but he didn't want to be seen, either. Not yet.

So he was more than slightly surprised by the tone of his doorbell, and then by Fire Emblem's face, projected to the size of his living room wall. "Handsome, if you could do me one teeny-tiny little favor..."

"Yes?" he asked, warily.

"Open the damn door already!"

"Ah, right. Sorry."

The gruff, snarling persona had vanished by the time the door was open, and Fire Emblem sashayed in, a broad smile on his face. "So this is the mysterious Barnaby lair," he said. "It's... minimalist. I like the indirect lighting."

"Thank you?" He wasn't entirely sure what had brought this on.

"I assume _you_ can get in touch with your partner?"

"Er..." He actually hadn't heard from Kotetsu yet, and didn't know his new number. "Not at the moment. He said he needed to buy a new cell phone."

"He's already skipped town?" Fire Emblem deposited a shopping bag on the floor and place himself in the chair.

"He'd been making preparations to move since just after he returned from his vacation, apparently."

"So inconsiderate. I wanted to throw a retirement party for both of you. I guess we'll just have to do without him."

"I... don't think a party is necessary."

"Oh, it's so cute how you think your opinion matters!" Fire Emblem exclaimed, then added, more seriously, "If you really don't want one, say so now. I always throw a small Christmas party after we film the holiday special, and I was going to make it a retirement party because I didn't think you'd want a Christmas party."

"Well, I certainly wouldn't want the latter." Barnaby seated himself on the windowsill.

"Oh, don't be so distant. Come sit in my lap."

"This is fine, thank you," he said with dignity, only to be greeted by a peal of laughter. "Don't worry, I know I need more chairs."

"So would you attend?"

"I'd... prefer not to. I appreciate the offer, Fire Emblem, but..."

"Oh, call me Nathan. You're a civilian now. Excellent work fending off my pouting, by the way."

"I wish I could take credit for doing it deliberately."

"It's a feat few men can claim."

"I know I should probably... make a point of socializing. But I also feel I need some time to myself."

Nathan nodded. "I wanted to leave you something, either way." He fished something small out of his pocket, and Barnaby rose to take whatever it was - a trio of business cards. "Three therapists - specialties listed - who've all had experience dealing with hero issues. I can vouch for Dr. Miller."

Barnaby glanced at the cards. Dr. Sylvia Miller. Psychologist. "You've seen her? Or is that too personal?"

"It's... a bit on the personal side," Nathan said. After a moment, he added, soberly, "I have seen her. Guilt's part of this job."

_Guilt,_ Barnaby thought. He'd pulled the trigger. "Thank you, Nathan." Barnaby stood still as Nathan rose, reclaimed his bag, and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank _you,_ sweetie. Call me if you decide you're coming to the party, and I'll get the planner to tone down the evergreens. And if you're not, well, keep in touch anyway."

"All right," he said, trying out a smile. Nathan beamed in response.

* * *

><p>He finally got Kotetsu's new phone number the day after Nathan's visit, when Kotetsu called to check on him. "Mom told me I should have invited you for Christmas," Kotetsu said. "Sorry I didn't think of that earlier, but hey, if you wanna come, we've got plenty of room! It'd make Kaede's year. I mean, like, next year. I guess making her year with a week left in it isn't that big a deal."<p>

It was so good to see Kotetsu's face again, to see him smiling as he talked about Kaede, that Barnaby nearly agreed. "I'd feel a bit like I was intruding," was what he finally said. "Maybe next year? If Kaede's not too disappointed..."

"Didn't mention it to her yet," Kotetsu said. "I knew you wanted some time alone to get your head together, so I didn't want to get her hopes up."

With a pang of guilt, he admitted, "I'm actually attending Fire Emblem's party. Probably not for long, but he did invite me... he wanted to invite you as well."

"Nah, not for me this year," Kotetsu said. "Shame though. I'd like to see everybody. Didn't really make much of a goodbye."

"I thought that was deliberate."

"Kinda." Kotetsu looked away from the screen, and Barnaby's eyes narrowed.

"Is something wrong? Or is there something you're not telling me?"

"No, I... I guess I just called to see you," Kotetsu said. "Sorry. I didn't have much else to say."

"That's nothing to apologize for," Barnaby said. "Why would I have any objections to that?"

"I dunno, 'cause I'm kind of wasting your time?"

"Kotetsu. I have all the time in the world right now. What about you? Are you busy?"

"Nah, Kaede's at school, and my brother hasn't put me to work in the store yet, so I'm just taking it easy."

"Store?"

"Yeah, the family business is a liquor store."

"This explains a great deal about your habits."

"Hey!" Kotetsu protested, laughing, and Barnaby settled back in his chair, smiling at the sight. It felt good just to wander into conversation, to hear Kotetsu actually telling him things about his hometown and his family, and the fact it was all a phone call removed some of the tension, the pressure; much as he might want to be with Kotetsu, right now, he felt certain it would blow up in his face, and it was good to have that danger removed.

* * *

><p>The next day, Barnaby decided he'd better call Nathan to inform him of the plans he'd announced to Kotetsu earlier. "I may not stay long," he warned. "So there's really no need to adjust the party's entire theme on my account."<p>

"Oh, Handsome, I can't _wait!_" Nathan exclaimed. "I'll adjust the playlist. It doesn't have to be opera, does it?"

"No, that's not necessary," Barnaby said, smiling a bit. "I'll see you there."

It couldn't hurt, could it, to have something to distract him on the 24th? He'd still make sure to visit his parents. That was always how he thought of it; not as visiting their graves, but as visiting them. The only point of connection to them he had. The skeleton of the house had been cleared away long ago, the property sold; the mementoes he had and their graves were what was left.

The cemetary where they were buried was at the edge of town; a different one than Aunt Samantha's family chose. She'd had a grown daughter, at least a few grandchildren; the obituary said three grandchildren, and she'd also been survived by her brother and his family. He attended the funeral, and sent flowers as well as the donation to charity, but slipped out without speaking to her family. He didn't know if they'd know him, except as a hero, or how much they knew of Maverick's plot, but he couldn't face them knowing that she'd died because of him.

He forced himself to leave the house, one day, to try to find Christmas gifts; Kotetsu's present was still sitting, wrapped, on the table in his living room, and he felt the need to return the favor somehow. He finally decided on a liquor store, where he could pick up a bottle of wine for Fire Emblem - Nathan - and ask an employee to recommend a good shochu. Knowing what Kotetsu's brother did for a living made the idea seem distinctly redundant, but he didn't have any others. Maybe he could claim that he bought the gift before he knew.

He had all the time in the world. He could do whatever he wanted, if only he knew what that was. He ordered some travel brochures from an agency - he could have just looked up the information online, but there was too much, he didn't know where to start - and looked at photos of palaces and fjords and cathedrals. He'd taken some Italian classes, back when he was in high school, because his mother had loved Italian operas. Maverick had told him that. Did that mean it wasn't true?

Maverick had known his parents, had been their friend, until he'd murdered them. He'd been one of Barnaby's other points of connection to them; him, and Aunt Samantha. He'd raised Barnaby, hadn't he? Surely not all of those memories were false. Could you spend twenty years with someone and not care about him, at least a little, even if you were ready to replace him with a robot when he got out of your control?

Aunt Samantha had mentioned his mother's fondness for Italy, too. So maybe Maverick had sometimes been honest.

* * *

><p>By Christmas Eve, it still hadn't snowed. The crunch of brown grass beneath his feet was the only sound, though other graves bore evergreen wreaths, poinsettia arrangements, and in one case, a tiny, fully-decorated artificial tree, signs that others had made the same trip he was making.<p>

He just brought lilies. His mother had carried calla lilies at their wedding; he'd seen the photo.

He wondered if he'd ever stop looking for proof of every memory he called up, like citing a page number in a paper for school.

"I know, now," he said, kneeling by the headstone. "I'm sorry it took me so long. I'm sorry it cost so much. Aunt Samantha..." His eyes prickled with tears; he felt guilty, crying again when Aunt Samantha hadn't even been his mother or his sister or his real aunt. He wasn't her family, just the reason she'd died. If he hadn't grown so paranoid and suspicious she'd never have revisited that day. She'd never have found proof that would make Maverick silence her; she'd never have been sacrificed to a plan to take both her and Kotetsu out of his life.

And he'd never have learned the truth. He wasn't sure it was worth it.

"Lunatic killed him," Barnaby said. "I wish I felt worse about that. I should think it's wrong. Intellectually, I guess I do. It wasn't like he was a danger anymore. But the only reason I can come up with to regret his death is that we had no way of getting any answers out of him." He drew a deep breath, unsure if he wanted to even voice the thought. "If anyone deserved the kind of death Lunatic inflicts, it was him. I'm sorry. I know you probably wouldn't agree with that. Kotetsu doesn't, either."

He looked around the cemetary. The wind brought him a snatch of human voices, too distant for him to make out the words; he saw a car some ways away. He wondered how many other people had the anniversary of a death today. "You'd like Kotetsu, I think," he said. "You'd probably start to like him a lot sooner than I did." He tried to imagine bringing Kotetsu to the house he remembered, shaking hands with his parents. He wondered what he'd have been like, himself, if he'd had more time with his parents. "I'll bring him here sometime. Maybe in the spring, when he comes for a visit and all the trees are in bloom."

He stood, brushing dry grass from his knees. "I miss you both so much," he said softly. "I wish I felt like I'd done something to get justice for you. I wish I didn't need to."

* * *

><p>The address Nathan had sent him was a distance from the center of town, nestled up in the mountains. He followed the winding, narrow road up, feeling his tension growing with each turn.<p>

The road widened out in front of a builiding best described as a mansion. The gates stood open in front of a winding driveway; Barnaby spotted a Hero TV van as he drove closer, and sighed. He should have expected cameras. He parked, but sat a moment in the car, nerving himself up to go inside. He'd just dressed as he usually did, and it occurred to him for the first time that this might be more formal. He hadn't thought to ask.

Clutching his wine bottle like a lifeline, he walked up to the door.

Nathan flung it open at his knock. He was wearing a Santa hat in pink, instead of red, with a glittery gold puffball in place of the white pom-pom. Barnaby half-expected to find that he was wearing a dress in a similar theme, but no, he seemed to be dressed about the way he normally did otherwise. "So glad you're _here,_ Handsome," he trilled, air-kissing him audibly on both cheeks. "Come inside! Wine? You shouldn't have." Barnaby trailed in his wake, steeling himself to the sound of "Jingle Bells." Maybe he shouldn't have reassured Nathan about the music.

He saw a number of Hero TV staff, without the yellow jackets or any cameras. Thank God. Sky High, Rock Bison - no masks, he realized. "Everyone here's a Hero TV employee," Nathan said. "No sponsors, no bosses - well, okay, Agnes is here." He inclined his head across the room - Agnes stood at the bar, holding some kind of cocktail. He saw Sky High, sending several paper cranes aloft on a gust of wind; Origami was sitting on the couch, folding another crane, while Dragon Kid seemed to be trying to catch the paper birds out of midair.

"_It's a Wonderful Life_ is on in the TV room," Blue Rose said from around the vicinity of his elbow.

"I could never get past the title on that one," he said, turning to face her. "Kotetsu's not here."

"Did I _say_ anything about him? I was just letting you know." She flounced off, the pom-pom on her Santa hat bouncing. Hers was blue. Was Nathan just handing them out as party favors? He hoped there wasn't one with bunny ears waiting for him.

Barnaby didn't really know what he'd expected, but no one seemed much altered by their experience at the top of the statue. Maybe they'd all been shaken, as much as he was, and they just weren't letting it show; they were at a party, after all. He knew they'd all been frightened, and battered, and they'd taken Kotetsu's apparent loss hard, but they hadn't had the responsibility for his injuries, or the ties to Maverick. Maybe it was natural that he was the only one who felt permanently changed.

He poured himself a glass of soda and took up a position near the wall. He let the noise wash over him until it no longer sounded like Christmas carols and a dull roar, catching snippets of conversation here and there - "I'm just saying Hanukkah ended a week ago, it really is just a Christmas special," and "None of this year's graduating class is first-league material," and "Can you make dragons?" - and wondering if it would be rude to just leave now. He'd come. He'd greeted Nathan. He wasn't good at parties, not when he didn't have a job to do like charming the sponsors or being the guest of honor. He didn't understand what went into enjoying them.

Maybe he'd thought he should say his goodbyes to everyone, but had he really had friends among the heroes, other than Kotetsu? He'd still be in Stern Bild. It wasn't as though he couldn't see them if he wanted to.

He set down the plastic cup and slipped out the way he'd come. Nathan, he suspected, would not be surprised.

* * *

><p>He'd intended to mail Kotetsu's gift, but the clerk at the post office counter had noticed the sloshing sound the package made and explained to him that it couldn't be mailed. She'd been very polite, and she'd clearly recognized him, and he'd nodded understandingly and left. Instead, he took a photo of it at home the night he returned from the party, and texted it to Kotetsu with the words "Merry Xmas!"<p>

"You better not have opened yours yet," Kotetsu responded. "Tomorrow morning only."

"Of course."

Barnaby thought of calling him, but it was already after eleven, and Kotetsu was probably in the midst of Christmas celebrations with his family. Or wrapping last-minute gifts, or assembling a bike for Kaede, or something along those lines. He'd wait for Kotetsu to call.

His gift, he learned the next morning, was a stuffed tiger. He smiled and placed it with that odd pink bunny, which he'd taken out of the linen closet now that the odds that anyone would be at his apartment to see it were greatly reduced.


End file.
